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This trap can compromise your status

"A girl should be two things: who and what she wants." — COCO CHANEL

I used to be a damn people pleaser.

I would do anything my boss asked me to.

I wouldn’t dare to challenge any of his unreasonable requests

In my mind, pleasing him would persuade him to promote me.

The result: the opposite happened.

My boss became more abusive. He took advantage of my inability to push back and stand up for myself.

I carried forward my people-pleasing tendencies to my personal life.

My first marriage was a disaster because of my inability to say a legitimate NO to my ex-partner.

Many ambitious women have the same habit as well.

They sabotage themselves by feeling the need to be likable at all times.

Societal conditioning is to blame. In our society, girls are more likely to be rewarded for pleasing others.

In the workplace, many companies do the same.

They place entry and mid-level women in supporting positions where they are judged on their ability to meet the needs of others.

Here is what I learned from my experience as a recovering people pleaser:

The disease to please can undermine your ability to make decisions because you are always trying to reach a consensus or avoid offense.

It can also rob you of showing authority at work for fear of disappointing others.

You are not hired to please others at the expense of yourself.

I have found that success as a leader is all about finding balance.

On many occasions, you will need to be both nice and assertive, eager and cautious, confident and humble.

Any place that expects you to be wonderful to others under all circumstances or penalizes you for showing assertiveness is probably not the right fit for you.

Too loyal for your own good.

You don’t owe any more loyalty to an employer than they show to you. If they’re willing to fire you without cause, you have every right to leave without guilt. — Adam Grant
Career loyalty can hurt you.
After the great resignation, you may think that loyalty was rewarded in these circumstances.
That is far from what happened in reality.
Organizational psychologist Adam Grant found that new hires are making 7% more than people currently working in the same jobs.
This means that: The more you stay in the same place, the more you will be punished for it.
Women especially are prone to fall into the loyalty trap and pay the loyalty tax.
Studies show that ambitious women tend to be loyal to their jobs at the expense of propelling forward their careers.

Here is what happens when women stay loyal too long in one place:

They remain stuck in one position for long
They get passed over consistently for promotions
They think something is wrong with them and eventually quit

If you can relate to any of the above, it is time to adjust your perspective and course correct.
Start by asking yourself these questions:

Have you, for the most part, been adopting the just-work-hard approach?
Have you built enough (i) connections and (ii) visibility to move you forward?
Have you unintentionally been giving signals that you enjoy where you are with no intentions to grow?

Loyalty is a virtue that can easily become a trap.
Realize that there will always be a trade-off between loyalty in the short run and advancement in the long run.
It is ok to choose any of them as long as you are mindful of what you are giving up in return.

Ask and You Shall Receive

“ The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any” — Alice Walker

I recently interviewed a few men and a woman for a vacant position.

When I asked about their salary expectations, I was shocked.

The woman asked for a significantly lower salary compared to her male peers.

I wasn’t sure why. Her qualifications could easily get her a salary way more than her expectations.

Later, I discovered that the pay gap between men and women, which is well-documented in research, is partly fed by an “Ask Gap”.

Women just do not ask for what they deserve and tend to avoid salary negotiations if they can.

Guaranteed, the system is stacked against women and bias still exists.

Yet, that does not mean the situation is hopeless and you can’t do anything about it.

Here are a few simple steps that you can take today to improve your odds of earning more:

Price your service based on the value you add, not based on your insecurities.
Know that your best bet for negotiating a higher salary and getting it is during the job interview when the company is still hopeful to hook you. Your chances to negotiate a salary raise are slim when you have been there for years and the company started taking you for granted.
If in doubt, err on the side of asking higher than lower.
If you’re offered a lower than expected salary, see if you can negotiate for other benefits (i.e. bonuses, training, work from home arrangements, children’s schooling, insurance,….etc).
Never accept the first offer. It is often made with the expectation that job candidates will push it higher anyway.

Bottom line: Ask and you shall receive.

Great work rarely speaks for itself

"If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman." — MARGARET THATCHER

I had a male colleague who always spoke to the top management about his desire to become a partner in the firm.

A female colleague, at his same rank, never did the same.

She always saw his advances as pushy and wacky.

Both colleagues were equally qualified to make partners.

When the evaluation committee gathered at year-end, guess whom did they choose to promote to a partner position?

You are right. The male colleague was chosen.

The only difference between both colleagues was in how one promoted himself compared to the other.

Women at work tend to work hard but forget to communicate what they do to the right people.

It turned out that because my colleague never spoke about her desire to become a partner, the committee questioned her intention to build a long-term career with the firm.

The lesson learned: Great work rarely speaks for itself.

When was the last time you saw a company creating an amazing product and assuming customers should want to buy it?

Never! This is unheard of.

Companies usually have a dedicated marketing department responsible for promoting what they do day-in and day-out.

You as a woman professional should focus on doing the same.

Accepting promotions before doing your homework

It is unbelievable how much you don’t know about the game you’ve been playing all your life. — MICKEY MANTLE

During the pandemic, my friend Jane was offered a leadership position in one of the big companies.

Jane was excited. She immediately accepted the offer.

For her, it has been a long dream that come true

As she started her work, she began to discover a new facet of the organization.

New troubles and financial challenges she had never heard of before she joined the leadership rank.

The board was not supportive of her moves. They would question every decision she takes.

The board chair would dismiss her initiatives and repeatedly deny her request for resources.

The fact that this happened during a turbulent time like a global pandemic, made the challenges feel insurmountable.

Over time, Jane realized she is a handcuffed leader. She lost hope in making any change. Eventually, Jane grew frustrated with her position and resigned.

When Jane accepted the leadership position, she fell into the glass cliff career trap.

The glass cliff is a phenomenon whereby companies hire women to leadership positions in troubled times (e.g. COVID 19 pandemic) or struggling times (e.g. when the company is performing poorly).

The glass cliff phenomenon is rooted in sexism.

The senior management often does not wish to ruin the reputation of their most preferred male managers with failure.

So, they hire a woman during circumstances that set her up for failure.

If she fails → it is her problem and they can get rid of her easily.

If she succeeds → it is because the company was progressive and promoted her in the first place.

In both cases, the company benefits.

The glass cliff is an unfortunate phenomenon.

Women are handed the mess to clean it up.

They are held up against impossible standards to meet during trying times.

Here is how you can deal with the glass cliff phenomenon:

Educate. If you learned about this phenomenon today, don’t let the knowledge stop at you. Share with others to raise awareness.
Negotiate. If you are offered a risky position, make sure to factor the risk in your salary negotiation
Define. You must ask the top management how success in this role will be defined. Make sure your definition of success matches theirs.
Demand support: Just because you are the leader doesn’t mean you are expected to be left high and dry. You should be given the resources that will support you in your new mandate. Any hesitation to support you should be considered a red flag.

Finally, it is ok to say no to some promotions.

Remember, not every gain is a success.

You might gain the title of a leader for a short while, but lose your career reputation for good.

Parting Thought

Women professionals often fall into habits that sabotage their career progress.
They tend to :

Seek to please everyone
Under-promote themselves
Avoid asking for what they deserve
Stay too loyal to one place
Accept promotions before asking the right questions

Many of these habits happen subconsciously. They are the result of social conditioning.
Awareness is the first step to combating these habits.
· Seeking support,
· Tooting your own horn,
· Mastering negotiation, and
· Finding a balance between the short run and long run are all among the most effective strategies to fight back against the above tendencies and regain control.